What Could Have Been
by Gmariam
Summary: The sight of a pinstripe suit tugs his heart. The scent of coffee brings tears to his eyes. And the sound of deep Welsh vowels makes him wish for another day with Ianto Jones. To tell him he was loved, to make him believe it. To speak their vows of commitment and exchange rings. To be a husband and live a normal life together.


_"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."  
_ _~G.K. Chesterton_

The first time Jack realizes he's in love, he panics and leaves, whispering to the sleeping man beside him that he's going back to the Hub. Ianto is too exhausted to argue, and it's not that unusual for Jack to leave anyway. Ianto might think Jack is going on the pull whenever he leaves, but he never does. This time is no different, and he sits on the roof of the Millennium Centre wondering what he's going to do.

* * *

Denial works for a while, but then they lose several days, and Jack knows deep down that something happened between them. He feels an urgent sense of anxiety, that someone will (or did) take Ianto from him, and clings to his Welshman, earning Ianto's questioning concern in return. He does not confess his feelings, but distracts Ianto in some new, innovative ways, hoping to distract himself as well.

* * *

When Owen dies, Jack does everything he can to bring him back; he's not ready to lose anyone yet. He fails in a way he never thought possible, leaving Owen exiled between life and death, angry and confused. Jack is devastated yet grateful—devastated that Owen is not truly alive, but grateful that they will have more time with him.

More than anything, he shamefully relived that it was not Ianto, and as they fall asleep that night, he mouths the words he still can't say into the crook of his lover's neck and holds him tight.

* * *

Martha leaves and Owen adjusts to being dead-not-dead and life goes on. Gwen talks about nothing except her wedding, and the entire team grows sick and tired of it. Jack is quiet and out of sorts. He knows that Tosh and Owen and even Ianto think it's because Gwen is getting married, and Jack is in love with Gwen, and now he can't have her. He's not in love with her and he doesn't want her (not exactly.) No, he is jealous of her.

He's been married once, and sometimes he wishes it was something he could have again—a normal life. After sending Gwen home to rest for her big day—he's nearly ruined it by almost getting her killed on her hen night—he pours some scotch, invites Ianto in for a drink, and asks him about it. Did he ever think about getting married? Was it something he wanted one day? Could he see himself settled down with one person?

Ianto gives him a funny look, tells him he thought about it once with Lisa, but that it's not his future anymore. It's not something he needs, not something he'd be good at—oh, and he's not going to live long enough working for Torchwood to get married one day anyway.

It obviously doesn't occur to Ianto that Jack is an option, and that stings. When he asks Jack about marriage in return, Jack shrugs and tells him he was married once, a long time ago, and says nothing more. They shag in Jack's office, not even bothering to go down to the bed in his bunker, and Ianto goes home afterward. Long day tomorrow, he says, and leaves without another word.

Jack dreads it even more, even though he wants the same for himself.

* * *

Ianto holds him when Flat Holm is revealed to the others, and Jack holds Ianto as the Welshman mourns those lost to the Ghostmaker. Isn't that what people do when they're in love? Hold one another? Jack's stopped trying to deny it and wonders why he doesn't say it.

He's not sure if Ianto feels the same way, though. Oh, Ianto loves him, just as he loves Tosh and Gwen and even Owen to some small degree. And certainly, Ianto likes being with him, likes sleeping with him. But is Ianto _in_ love with him? He plays his cards closer than anyone Jack has ever met, and so Jack holds his own cards close as well. He'd rather end in a draw than a loss, after all.

And immortality is nothing but pain and heartbreak, at least when it comes to love and happiness.

* * *

They grow both closer and more distant after Tosh and Owen leave them, leaning on one another for support while simultaneously denying it is anything more than that. Yet Jack's greatest fear is losing Ianto and some nights he cannot bear to let him go. He loves Ianto, he knows it and accepts it. He thinks he wants more, but he has no idea what Ianto wants, what Ianto feels, and so nothing more happens.

And then Jack gets sick.

* * *

He's never been in a coma before, not even when he was mortal. Of course he'd heard everything, and more importantly—he remembers when he wakes up. He remembers Ianto staying with him, talking to him, confessing his deepest thoughts and fears. It is terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Only Jack knows he can't say anything, or Ianto will freeze, shut him out, maybe even leave. And Jack is still not quite sure anyway. Ianto clearly cares about him and does not want to lose Jack, but does he _love_ him? Or is he too pragmatic when it comes to immortality to let himself fall for a man who can't die?

Jack curses his immortality yet again. He knows it keeps him from loving others, but he'd never thought it would keep someone from loving him. Ianto is more than a blip in time to him, he is everything Jack wants.

* * *

"I came back for you." He tells Ianto the same words as he did once before, after bringing the Earth back to orbit and leaving the Doctor behind once again. He meant it the first time, when he'd returned after the hardest year of his long life. This time he means it more than anything he has ever said to Ianto. He came back to be with Ianto, but Ianto is still surprised to see him, as if he expected Jack to leave again.

Martha's broken off her engagement to the doctor she'd met during the Year that Never Was. She says she doesn't think she's meant to be married, that her life is too chaotic to ever settle down—and likely too short as well. She sounds like Ianto, and Jack wonders if he should be happy with what he has and not ask for more when Ianto still clearly doubts him. He wishes he could convince Ianto, though, because he wants more.

* * *

Surely trying to kill one another under the influence of a virus that was designed to make people kill the person they love most is a sign. Only somehow Ianto fights it off, and even when Jack chases him around the Hub and shoots him in the arm, he writes it off as nothing more than temporary madness.

The phrase "I tried to kill you _because_ I love you!" enters Jack's mind in defense, but it's not a very good one. It is quintessentially Torchwood, yes, and completely in character with their early relationship ("You execute her or I'll execute you both!"- "One day, I'll have the chance to save you, and I'll watch you suffer and die!") but it doesn't lend itself much to romance. Or relationships. In the end, all they can do is shrug, shag, and move on.

But Jack does love Ianto, and before he loses Ianto to a virus, or a Weevil, or the Rift, he needs to prove it. Show it. Live it.

* * *

He starts slow, with small gestures, caring words. Some earn him looks of surprise, some looks of suspicion. A fair few earn him heated kisses and quick shags upstairs. Or downstairs. Or in the office. Or the archives.

He suggests they go out more. He talks more (though he still holds back so much he wishes he could say.) He asks more questions. He listens. He tries to show Ianto in every way he can how much he cares for him, how much he loves him, though those three words still don't come.

He wonders if he is succeeding, or if he is fighting a battle he is destined to lose.

* * *

When Ianto is badly injured, Jack is sure he is going to lose him and sits by his side for two days, leaving Gwen to coordinate coverage with UNIT. He hates feeling so lost and vulnerable, and is terrified he's missed his chance to show Ianto how much he means to Jack. Funny how love inspires such emotions. He feels like the main character in a tragic romance novel.

Ianto is cranky and out of sorts when he leaves the hospital. He veers between distant silence and clinging to Jack long into the night. After a long day of both, he tells Jack to go back to work.

"It's under control," he tells Ianto. "I want to help."

"I can take care of myself," Ianto says. He looks like crap, though—tired, pale, and unshaven.

"And I can help," Jack replies. "I want to be here."

"It's not like we're married or something," Ianto grumbles.

Jack freezes, then runs with it. What the hell. "Why not?" he asks.

"Because we're not like that," Ianto answers. "We're two blokes, we're Torchwood, we're—"

"We're good together," Jack says. "We make an amazing team."

"We're not like that," Ianto repeats, as if trying to convince himself.

"Yes, we are," Jack tells him, then smiles. "We should."

"Should what?"

"Get married," Jack says.

"We're not even a couple," Ianto replies, rolling his eyes in that way that makes Jack want to kiss him and punch him simultaneously.

"We're not?" Jack asks with a laugh. "Could have fooled me."

"Go back to work," Ianto tells him. "I'm not getting married."

But Jack is determined now.

* * *

He brings it up with Ianto again, and again. The third time Ianto sets down his fork and looks at him very seriously.

"You do realize what you're saying?" he asks, his tone a mixture of curious and anxious.

"I'm saying we should get married," Jack replies, still chewing his pasta. He makes a mean Bolognese sauce when he puts his mind to it.

"Like, officially?" Ianto asks.

"As official as it can be," Jack replies.

Ianto takes another bite, studying him as he chews slowly. "Why?" he asks.

"Because I want to. I think it would be good for us," Jack replies. "We could find a bigger place, decorate it, get away from the Hub more and settle down like a proper—"

"A proper what?" Ianto asks. "A proper couple? I thought you didn't like labels. Marriage is a label—commitment and obligation and all those things you hate."

This time Jack rolls his eyes. "I don't hate those things," he says. "I let people think I do. One, because it's fun to mess with them. And two, because it's hard for someone in my unique position."

"Your unique position?" Ianto asks, his lips twitching at the word position. Jack is definitely a bad influence on him.

"You know what I mean," he says.

Ianto nods. "I do, that's why I don't understand. I'm not in your unique position. You can't get married to me. I'm going to die someday."

"Are you planning on it anytime soon?" Jack asks lightly, even though his chest constricts at the very thought.

"No," Ianto tells him firmly. "I'd rather not. I like my life, and I like being with you."

"Then what's the problem?" Jack asks. He grabs a piece of bread to sop up some extra sauce. "It can't be my cooking."

He is rewarded with a laugh. "It's definitely not your cooking, this is brilliant. Jack Harkness, domestic god."

"I like the sound of that." Jack laughs with him. "I'm a good catch, then, when you think about it."

Ianto is unexpectedly serious once more. "I do think about it," he confesses. "Getting a flat together, or a house. Living as normally as two men who hunt monsters and aliens can. Together," he adds. Jack is surprised that Ianto has thought about it.

"Then why not?"

"I don't know," Ianto replies with a shrug. "I'm not sure if it's the right thing for us given our differences."

"You mean, you don't know if it's right for _me_ ," Jack corrects him. "But seeing as I'm at least six times older than you, I am more than capable of making my own decisions. We're more similar than different, you know."

Ianto studies him, returns to his food. "I guess I don't think of us as a couple like that," he confesses. "A couple that talks about marriage."

"Even though we eat together, sleep together, work together, and shag almost every day?" Jack asks. "What else would you call it?"

"I don't know, but are you ready to call it marriage?"

Jack doesn't hesitate, even though a small voice in his head is screaming at him to slow down. "Yes."

"A proper couple, with rings and paperwork and everything?"

"Yes."

Silence. Then—"Gwen is going to flip out. She'll want to plan it all, you know, right down to picking out our socks for the ceremony."

"Wait, are you saying yes?" Jack sets down his fork and leans forward, hoping he doesn't have meat sauce all over his face. "To us?"

Ianto nods slightly, then looks away. "I like this," he says, motioning between them. "I don't want anything else—anybody else. I can't promise I'll be around forever, but I want this for as long as I can."

"Really?" Jack is stunned because he'd thought he'd be working on Ianto for weeks, if not months.

"Really." Ianto blows out a breath, laughing nervously. "I can't believe you're serious. I didn't think marriage was a part of my future anymore—certainly not ours."

"And I can't believe you're saying yes," Jack replies. "So we're engaged then. It's official."

"Officially insane," Ianto says. "We're insane."

"Maybe," Jack agrees. "Or maybe we're supposed to do this."

"Fate?" Ianto asks. "After all you've seen, all you've been through—you believe in fate?"

"I don't know," Jack admits. "Sometimes, when something good comes along—yes, I do. And this, this is good."

"This is good," Ianto echoes. He finishes his wine and grins. "We should celebrate."

"I thought you'd never ask!" Jack laughs, practically jumping up from the table. A part of him is ready, excited to start this new journey in life. Another part of him is terrified, however, because he knows that for him, each new journey will always be too short.

* * *

They don't tell Gwen, knowing her reaction is likely to be over-the-top and smothering. They chase Weevils, save the world (again), and mostly ignore their new relationship status for the next week. Jack starts to wonder if Ianto has cold feet now that reality has sunk in.

"Not really," he says when Jack finally asks. "It still seems a bit surreal, to be honest. A part of me is waiting for you to say it's all a mistake."

"It's not a mistake," Jack tells him. It may be one day, but Jack can't keep living for the future, not when it's endless. He has to live in the present.

"It's rather sudden."

"I've been thinking about it for a while. It just happened to come out at that moment." Jack suddenly frowns. "It wasn't very romantic, was it?"

"We're not very romantic," Ianto points out, and holds up a hand when Jack starts to protest. "And that's fine. I don't want candy and flowers."

"Maybe I do," Jack suggests, but he is smiling and Ianto rolls his eyes.

"I know what you want," he murmurs with Jack's favorite smirk.

"Not always," Jack insists. "I can make be more romantic."

"No," Ianto tells him, standing up and gathering both his and Jack's coats from stand in the corner of the office. "Frankly, that would have scared me off completely. I probably would have scanned you for an alien imposter. I'm happy with the way things are, Jack."

"Really?" Jack lets Ianto hold his coat and then does the same.

"Really. If you were serious, though, we could start looking for a flat. Together."

They find one by the end of the week.

* * *

"What about rings?" Jack asks a fortnight later. It is their first night in the new place together, a much bigger flat closer to the Hub than Ianto's old place (but farther than Jack's bunker.) It was a quick move, and they're not completely unpacked yet, but Jack is already happy with it, and he thinks Ianto is as well.

Ianto is silent as he finishes unpacking some dishes. "I suppose that's next," he says, sounding more nervous than excited.

"I saw some a few months ago," Jack says. "They're probably gone now, but we could look, if you wanted."

"Okay." Ianto shuts the cabinet and turns toward him. "So, we're still going to do this?"

"I don't see any reason why not," Jack asked. "We've got a hell of a place here, to start."

Ianto nods, glancing around with a smile on his face. "It's the nicest flat I've ever had."

"It's been a while since I had something like this too," Jack agrees.

"And I'm glad to be sharing it with you," Ianto adds. He takes a deep breath. "So where did you see the rings?"

"One of the arcades," Jack replies. "We could look at a few this weekend, see what we find."

"If we show up Monday wearing rings, Gwen might have a stroke."

Jack pulls Ianto close. "Let's dazzle her then."

* * *

They go with something plain, platinum bands with a brushed inlay. They don't wear them, though, as they are not engagement rings and neither one of them feels the need to advertise it anyway. They don't show Gwen either. Jack wonders if they are both that private, or both that scared. He's still waiting for one of them to back out.

* * *

They register for a civil partnership and set the official date for three months later. It gives them time to plan something small (very small, and that's assuming Ianto eventually tells his sister.) They spend dinner talking about taking a long weekend off. Gwen took a week for her honeymoon, but they know perfectly well they can't be gone for that long. They consider heading north, or to the coast, or even to Paris, but they can't decide. Jacks wishes he could take Ianto off world someday.

* * *

Jack is happy, but also starting to feel anxious. Ianto doesn't say much, and he wonders if Ianto is having second thoughts (Jack is, but he pushes them away.) Gwen seems suspicious, watching them closely, teasing them about their new flat and how cute they are together. Once, she even suggests they get married, causing Jack and Ianto to exchange a look and deny everything. At this point, Jack thinks they should hand her an invitation when the time comes; Ianto agrees because it means she won't boss them around and dictate their wedding party.

Ianto still hasn't talked to his sister, and Jack wonders about that. Is he nervous, scared, ashamed? They argue about it once, but then the Rift alert goes off, and they spend the rest of the night chasing aliens before falling into bed exhausted.

Ianto apologizes in the morning and confesses that he is, in fact, quite nervous about talking to his sister. Mostly he's not sure how to explain his relationship a man (she has no idea) who is also his boss, especially since he can't say anything about Torchwood, about what they do, what they've been through. About Lisa and Jack, aliens and immortality and a dozen other things.

Jack tells him it's fine, he understands. He hasn't told Alice yet, but then it's been several months since he's talked to her, and she's never interested in anything about his life anyway. He wonders if he should invite her to come to Cardiff, but suspects she wouldn't come.

* * *

Ianto is definitely having second thoughts and suggests putting it off for a few months. He can't seem to accept that they are a real couple, living together with two names on the paperwork and a pair of rings in the bedside drawer. And while a part of Jack wants to convince him that yes, he loves Ianto and yes, he wants to get married, another part is relieved, because he's still terrified, and they agree it would be a good way to start the new year. They're already working together and living together; why rush into it when they don't have to?

They celebrate Ianto's birthday with a sense of renewed connection and an expensive bottle of scotch. Jack ignores the little voice in his head telling him that while he may have forever, Ianto doesn't.

* * *

Hindsight is a bitch.

* * *

Ironically, Ianto grows insecure with the decision to put things on hold for a few more months. Jack feels the same and fears it will all fall apart because they are both too scared. He can't help but respond with increasing anxiety and exasperation to Ianto's need for reassurance. At times, Ianto retreats into silence; occasionally he snaps right back. They can certainly fight like a proper married couple. And make up like one, too.

Work is slow, aside from an apparent alien hitchhiker that has lodged itself in the abdominal cavity of a man about to die. They track his progress at the hospital; he is scheduled for surgery the next day, and they plan to contain the parasite before anyone can find it. Jack wonders about the doctor on the case, and if it might be someone they could bring onto to the team.

After a quiet afternoon, Ianto is the one who reaches out, as if sensing Jack is tired of being the one to constantly move things forward. He suggests they leave early, cooks them a surprisingly good chicken tikka, and presents Jack with a file folder. It is filled with notes for their wedding, because that's how Ianto's mind works to make order from chaos: lists and research, neatly complied in a color-coded folder.

He shows Jack all the things they will need, which is not much, and shares some of the research he's done: a small sit-down dinner (with menus) at a posh restaurant for twenty people (at most); dinner suits from John Lewis (or a Brioni, perhaps); a few flowers; and two nights at a bed and breakfast in the Gower. He suggests they go back to their original date as everything—the restaurant, the bed and breakfast— is open and available. Jack is surprised and touched and scared all at the same time, but has to admit…it sounds perfect. Nothing big and grand, but something for them to simply celebrate being together.

Jack tries to show Ianto how much he cares, how much he appreciates Ianto's honesty and initiative, and how much he wants to be together, later that night. He falls asleep more content than he has felt for weeks, knowing that he is going to marry the man he loves.

* * *

They intercept the hitchhiker the next morning at the hospital. Ianto seems slightly off-balance by their renewed commitment, particularly when it appears as if both the doctor and Gwen notice. Jack reacts poorly and hates himself for it. He's not sure he can wait so long; maybe it's better to do it and be married and not worry about it for the next two months.

But without warning, the children freeze and the end of the world begins.

* * *

Huddling in a damp warehouse, wrapped in a single thin blanket, Jack is more scared than he has been since they lost Tosh and Owen. He wants to— _has_ to— keep Ianto and Gwen (and even Rhys) safe. This is all his fault: Frobisher is after Jack, not Torchwood. The others could hide in Trap Street until it's over, but he knows they won't. They wouldn't even let him finish suggesting it if he tried. Both will stand by him and see this through, but Jack knows it may mean the death of them all.

And Ianto won't come back.

* * *

They can be quiet, and gentle, and slow when they want to. It makes it feel like the last time, but it is worth every silent gasp to be together before they charge blindly into the darkness to fight the monsters. Jack wants Ianto to stay behind, but at the same time he needs Ianto by his side more than ever. Ianto is his rock. He may not have told Ianto about 1965, or about Stephen and Alice—and it's clearly a blow—but Ianto is still the one man he trusts more than anyone, the one person he needs now more than ever.

He tries to say it, he does, but the words don't come out properly. Ianto simply says, "Don't," and they fall asleep holding one another tighter than they ever have before.

When they wake, they walk into Thames House, side by side.

But at the end of the day, Jack walks out alone.

* * *

The flat has been trashed, their short life together strewn across the floor as if it never happened, didn't matter. At first all Jack can do is walk around in shock; then he grows angry, and smashes all the dishes they so carefully unpacked. Finally, he falls to the floor, broken and sobbing, and lays there for hours.

It wasn't supposed to end like this. It wasn't supposed to end before it even started.

* * *

The next day he salvages what he can, memories he knows from long experience he will want when the pain and anger and grief settle into the dull ache that never ends. But the rings…he debates what to do with the two rings on his palm.

He could leave them, let Gwen or Rhiannon or someone else find them. They'd never even told them, told anyone, like it was a secret only they could know. Or he could keep them, set them aside with the other things he plans to take with him as a way to remember the man who had agreed to marry him, but died before he could.

He does neither. A white-hot anger sparks within him, that he asked Ianto to marry him, that they made their plans and now it was too late. Some of that anger is for John Frobisher, the Prime Minister, the 456—but most is for himself. It is his fault the 456 returned for more children. His fault that Gwen and Ianto were targeted with Torchwood. His fault that Ianto walked into Thames House with him and died.

He goes to Mermaid Quay, down the boardwalk and past the hole in the ground that once was the Hub, to stand at the railing beside the burned-out tourist office. He stares at the water, takes a deep breath, and throws both rings as far as he can, watching them soar across the grey sky and sink into the bay with nothing but cold emptiness in his heart.

And then he turns and leaves Cardiff for good.

* * *

Six months later, he leaves Earth.

* * *

Someday, Jack might get married, when he lets himself love someone enough to bear the pain of losing them. But until that day, he will remain alone. It may be ten years, it may be a hundred. It could even be a thousand years.

The sight of a pinstripe suit still tugs his heart. The scent of coffee still brings tears to his eyes. And the sound of deep Welsh vowels makes him wish for another day, another night, another year, with Ianto Jones more than anything in the galaxy. To tell him he was loved, to make him believe it. To speak their vows of commitment and exchange the rings now at the bottom of the bay. To be a husband, and live a normal life together.

What could have been, but could never be.

* * *

Author's Note:  
The end - I'm sorry - have some tissues! This story came from a sudden thought one night: was it possible to write a canon fic in which Jack and Ianto were engaged before Ianto died? And of course, once I thought it, it became a challenge to try. I don't know if I've succeeded, but I've tried to stay in canon and character and tie it all to the weirdness in Children of Earth in a believable way. But there is no happy ending. If you want that, I have about ninety other stories to explore, including 'Someday' and 'Five Times Jack Almost Proposed to Ianto', both of which deal with the same topic and end much better. Thank you for reading!


End file.
